This Time I Surrender ALL!

Let me start by saying that this hit me HARD!! After I got up, I know why. This is difficult to admit, but here goes... Those of you that know me, know that I am a planner-big time! I do not like to control others. I like to control my circumstances and details of MY life. The biggest fights my husband and I used to have when we were first married was the fact that he never planned anything for us to do. I would get so upset and tell him that he never took the initiative to make plans for us on the weekends. He finally told me it was because I had 4-5 weekends planned in advance! He didn't get a chance to-- I had beaten him to it. This is so true. Okay, back to the adoption... The truth is that all this time I claimed I had surrendered. But true surrender does NOT have a back-up plan, nor does it have things all figured out. After going through infertility, I thought I had learned what surrender meant. Then when I began this process, I again have been thinking that I know its meaning. This event has proven to me that I have only been holding my hands half-way up, instead of all the way!

I looked up the meaning of the word surrender. Here is the definition: to yield (something) to the possession or power of another. Okay. I had not surrendered, based on this meaning. Until now, I had prayed and it looked as though things were going to work out the way I thought and figured they needed to. I am a kindergarten teacher and I have to go back to school on Aug.7 after the summer. I have been so obsessed with this minute detail, that I had God put in a box. I know better than that, but yet, my hard headed self did it anyway! How am I to know that He does not have a bigger and better plan for bringing Bella home than what I had figured out. Tonight I am confident in the truth that my planning WILL NOT bring her home.

Another definition I found was for the word trust: reliance on the integrity, strength, ability and surety of a person or thing. Boy, have I NOT been doing that! I have been relying on my ability and the surety of the time line I mapped out. When I stand back and look at the situation from an outsider's point of view, I realize how crazy that is. I mean, I am a child of the most high God and I am trying to do His job. (See.. you think it sounds crazy, too!) Why do I struggle when I can just rest and wait to see Him work on my behalf?

As I type, I realized something else. Surrender also means to give up, abandon, or relinquish. Because Bella's birth mom could not provide for her, she chose to relinquish her to the care of someone who could. If she had only half-way surrendered her, then I could not become her mother. She had to totally, one hundred percent chose to give her up to me in order for this to work. It is the same thing when it comes to me surrendering to God. I must totally, one hundred percent give this to Him and let His perfect plan unfold. Trust also can mean to give charge, custody or care of something or someone. She also had to trust that she was doing the right thing and giving her baby girl to the charge and care of someone who was able to do what she could not. It she half-heartedly did this, I again, could not become her mother. Trust and surrender play a BIG part in this process. One that ALL parties involved must do whole-heartedly.

When God asked us to step out in faith a year ago, He did not map out our destination. He only asked us to be obedient even though it looked impossible. I started out letting God "drive". As things and circumstances began to slow down, at times stop, and at other times take a long detour, I gradually took over the steering wheel. Tonight I realized that somewhere along the way, I never gave it back to Him. The astounding part is that He loves me despite this fault. He loves me so much that He found a way to get my attention and let me see that it is not my steering that is going to bring her home. It is His!

Last March, Jeff had a vivid dream on a Saturday night. He said he found himself standing with Jesus. He told Jeff "Go". Jeff asked "Go where?" He replied,"I have something for you, Amanda, Jake and Isabella to do." Jeff asked "Who is Isabella?" Jesus told him"She is the daughter I am going to give to you. Now, go." At that time, we were not even discussing adoption. We knew the cost and knew our fianances and that it was not something we were able to do. We both have always wanted to, but we were limiting His ability. God reminded me of the dream tonight on the way home from dinner with my parents. (By the way, Mom you were right-- I did need to go with ya'll!) He has spoken to my heart on many occasions and told me that this whole process was not just about bringing Bella home. My husband reminds me of that alot and tonight my dad confirmed it, also. God's plans are so great and bigger than we can imagine and if I don't relinquish control of getting her home by my certain date, then I may just miss out on what He wants to do.

So... tonight, I am here to say to all of you that read this, that I stand here with my arms held HIGH in total surrender!

"Father, I am sorry for not trusting You and not surrendering my daughter, my process and my family to You. I have forgotten Who You are and what You are able to do, if I just step out of the way. I do not know what the days ahead hold for us, but one thing I DO know is that my times are in Your hands. I will leave them there and stand firm and see the salvation of the Lord working on my behalf! God, I trust you to bring Bella home to us at YOUR appropriate time-- no matter when that may be or what I have to face when it comes. You are my Father and you desire the best for me, Jeff, Jake and Bella. My earthly father has NEVER done anything but good towards me and I know that You love me so much more than He does. Thank you for my family and friends that you have given to me. Their support, encouragement and love mean more to me than I can express. Now, please go before us and pave the way for Bella to join our family so that we may begin the work You have set out for us to do. We are ready! In Jesus' name, Amen."