I miss her so much is hurts some times. I have not held her since she was 5 months old. I will have to start a new school year and did not get a chance to see her this summer. I long to kiss her, smell her, touch her, hold her, feed her, dress her, bathe her -- LOVE her!!! If I would have known then what I know now, I would have rat holed EVERY penny I spent on foolish things this past year so I could have a visit trip with her this summer. That reality hit me this week. Because I will need as much time as possible with her when she gets home, I will not be able to visit this summer. It is just not in our budget and that hurts. At times, I feel like she is a stranger. I mean, I love her with all of my heart, but yet our last time with her seems like a very distant memory. Is this normal?
I miss her so much! It dawned on me this week that she will probably be a year old or older when we bring her home and that makes me so sad. We started this process in April of 2006. On Aug. 6, we will begin a new school year and that makes it 3 different school terms that have gone by and the baby girl we have waited so long for will not be home yet. I never in a million years thought this would have happened.
I went to talk to my boss today. I just had to find out if I was going to have a job. He was so understanding and told me he would work with me. That was a big relief. I know that it is all happening this way for a reason. I have to believe that-- some days are easier than others to do so and some are harder. Today was one of the ones that got harder as the day ended.
The reality that we are bringing home a child that will be entering the toddler stage and not an infant hit me this week, also. She has likes and dislikes that I am not aware of. Her personality is being formed by someone that I do not know. I know she is being taking care of in the hogar, but it is not by me and that hurts. We never learned Spanish because we were supposed to bring home a baby and it would not be an issue. I know she is still young and will pick up English quickly, but my concern lies in the first time she is put into my arms for forever. I want to be able to comfort her so that she understands it will be okay. I guess that is where my trust in my Heavenly Father will come into play. I will need Him to fill in the gap, by His Spirit, for my baby girl.
This has been (and probably will continue to be), a roller coaster ride of emotions. In a way this event has been tragic for my family. We have run the gamut of emotions: fear, anger, anxiety, happiness, disappointment, just to name a few. I guess, even though I have come to accept this reality of ours, tonight I am just mourning what could have been and what I want. I know that tomorrow is a new day and with it brings a new opportunity for movement in our situation. So, I will cling to that and try to find my rest in Him.
15 comments:
I wish I had something brilliant and Biblical and soothing to offer you comfort...but it is just not there! I am praying for you and your family to be together soon. I can relate to the expectation of bringing home a baby, but knowing that she will be a toddler. He IS faithful to fill in the gap for us as you beautifully worded!
His mercies are new every morning. You will continue to find the strength, grace, and perseverance needed each day until Bella is home (and hopefully that will be soon!).
We know just how you feel. We too thought we would be bringing home an infant. Mia was 2 weeks shy of her first b-day. I don't know how to explain it, but the Lord gave us peace with this. The anxiety we once felt when we realized that Mia would be older was gone when she was placed in our arms forever. Bella will a part of your family forever when God thinks the timing is PERFECT. Believe me he lifts all of your worries and makes you realize this wait happened for a reason. I am praying that you get to hold Bella in your arms soon!
está bien, mami aquí
(es-ta be-N mommy a-key)
It's okay, Mommy is here. This is all she will need to know. That is what she and you have waited for and some how our children know who Mama is. You looked in her eyes at only a few weeks old and told her to remember you. You reasured her again at 5 months old that you were coming and she believes in you. Sometimes life is hard and the reasons are not clear to us.
When I was at the place that you are now, grieving for all that I had lost in Evan's first year of life, my mother said something that helped me. I was sad fearing that I would not see Evan's first steps. My Mom said, "Baby steps are small compared to forever." I will always be sad and feel cheated by the time in my son's life that I lost but I find comfort in the thought of our future together. Hope my Mom's words of wisdom can comfort you a little tonight. Hugs! :-)
Amanda, my hearts hurts reading this post. I wish there was something I could do to help take away some of the pain. You do know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. If there is ANYTHING I can do, please let me know.
I know how you must be suffering right now. I cried as I read how much your heart is breaking. I can only say when she is placed in your arms you will be so very grateful and thankful for every single second you have with her - what you missed will be sad, but you will be very busy relishing every single second with your sweet, precious daughter. I'm thinking of you and your family and remembering you in my prayers.
Bella is something beautiful and wonderful you will hold in your arms forever. She's taking a bit longer to get to you but get to you she will. There is nothing to say to make you feel better now, but when your heart is too heavy and your tears will not cease just concentrate on all the wonderful milestones you will be there for. Listening to her prayers, learning her ABCs, hearing the words "I love you Mommy", baking cookies, hugs, I can go on and on - you get the picture. God will bring you through this and just like labor pains, once Bella is home and she is healthy and happy, these trials will seem a distant memory. Hang in there honey - you're doing GREAT!
All that I can say is that I am praying for you! I wish that I could do something to help or to make it better. People have told me time and time again that my daughter would come home in God's time and not mine. I have learned that His plans are far better than mine - after all He led me to adoption.
Know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers!
Love,
Karen
I too wish I could say something that would truly help. You will bring her home and you are her momma! I am always thinking and praying for your family.
Take care,
Donna
Bless your heart! I'm so sorry. I wish there were some magic words, but I know they've already been said. Just keep hanging on and pressing in and you will be victorious in the end! It will happen!
We're praying harder than ever!
Jason, Holly and Bayli
It is SO HARD to understand why this process has to take so long and why we have to be away from our children through it all. It hurts SO BAD sometimes its almost unbearable. I HAVE TO grab hold of the words our Father says.."I will NEVER LEAVE YOU.." Even though I feel alone sometimes or wonder where he is, in my heart I KNOW that he is right there beside me..crying with me, screaming with me, holding me. I pray that God holds you and your family so close to him! Just know that those same arms are holding sweet Bella as well :) I pray that God will resolve TODAY any problems that is keeping Bella from coming home!!
((HUGS))
Stacie
Amanda~
I know EXACTLY how you feel! I too have my good days but mostly sad days :( It is soooo hard to know your child is growing up a world away and you are missing all of their firsts. I wish I had some words of comfort or encouragement, but I have yet to find them. I'm still holding out hope that we'll be traveling at the same time to bring our little angels home :)
I'm praying for you girlfriend!!
Caryn
Amanda...I wish I could give you a hug right now. I read this and it just hurts my heart. I too worry about Eloisa being a toddler when she comes into our families and worry about how much more difficult that will be for her and us. Yet, I know that the Lord will prepare our daughters' hearts to be with us and that they will know that we are their mamas. It many not be instantly but I have to believe that it will be beautiful to see them develop that trust and confidence in us. This process stinks...it is so emotionally brutal. I am praying for you always!
I know this seems so easy for me to say... I have my daughter home with me. But it was not easy for me either... we hit our road blocks... we had our moments of IF... we held our hands straight up and said take this because I am messing it all up. In fact... in an act of submission I literally took my daughter's picture and laid it on the alter (steps/stage) at church. I had to do it to let it go... and it was a release for me.
Looking back ( and I am so thankful that I get to look back now) the time I missed was not time I missed. NOW is NOW... it is just how it was meant to be. She is with us and the past does not matter. And it really does now.She is our daughter and she will forever be our daughter. While I was waiting it was all about what I was missing... now it is more about what I am getting. I PROMISE and GOD PROMISED YOU that this will be true for you to. He told you to do this... he will carry you to the end... and when YOU get to look back you will see no matter the situation... it will be so wonderful that she is home the rest will just fall how it is MEANT TO BE.
My heart aches for you because it understands... but I also know that peace is waiting on the other side... just hang in there... it is coming!!!!
Your post hurt my heart as I remember all too well how that felt. I was lucky enough to bring my daughter home at 8 months, but at the time we applied we thought it would be 4-6 months. How foolish of us :(
I will tell you, somehow you get through and when she does come home, you won't even remember a time before her!!!
I pray your journey comes to an end quicker than you think.
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