The Seed

I have spoken to many of you this week and you all know that I have been struggling. I mean REALLY struggling. In fact, I don't think that I have been this negative and broken throughout this entire process. I have made many giant strides in the past couple of months, but with the strides I make, I end up further back because I continue to keep my eye on the circumstances surrounding me. Now let me tell you that the circumstances surrounding me do not look good! Let me begin by laying a little foundation.

I spoke to my friend today and told her "I can't go on like this. I cannot do this anymore. Why is this happening? Why can't I seem to catch a break? This isn't fair." Now, all of this has some truth to it. But there is bigger truth I need to see and understand. This is where my husband comes in.

I broke down tonight and told my husband that I was really scared that she will not be home in time for me to go pick her up before I start school in the fall. He responded with this analogy that is so simple and that I have heard my entire Christian walk. But for some reason, it took on a whole new meaning for me this time. Faith begins as a small seed (the Bible says a mustard seed) and like any seed, in order for it to grow bigger and produce something, it must begin to take root. Everytime I get that boost of faith from God in the form of a verse of scripture to stand on, a dream that He speaks to me in, a love note from Him, etc., I hold onto it and get so excited. I put my burden at His feet and go on my way. But within 12 -24 hours, when my circumstances have not changed, I pick it up, inspect it and then rip it out to wallow in it. I am not giving it the time and attention it needs to root and grow. This is and always has been a BIG fault of mine. He told me that,lately, he never knows where I "stand" because he can't "find"me-- I am usually flying off the handle somewhere listening to the lies of the enemy.

Well, tonight, we have decided that TOGETHER we are going to declare that we are planting ourselves on the promise of God that states that He WILL finish that which He has started. There is NO doubt in my mind that He started this adoption!!! Therefore, He HAS to complete it. The key word here is not complete. It is HE. That's right. HE, not I, not my attorney-- but HE will finish it according to HIS plan and my part is to be okay with it. That is where my struggle is. It's in being okay with WHATEVER He sees fit for my life. I am going to get there- with His help. So, if any of you want to know where I am in this process, I am standing here and not budging until my God brings me through to the other side!

My mom has tried over and over to tell me this and I fail to listen. Believe it or not, Mom, I have been listening and God has used you to soften my heart. I may not admit it to you then, but you have been a help to me. I hang up the phone and ponder your words (even when I don't want to). I am so blessed to have my family and friends that support and encourage me even when I can be so obstinate. Thank you!

So, once again, I have had another breakthrough. I am hoping these many breakthroughs will lead me to becoming the woman of faith that my Father desires me to be. I started not to post this, but realized that was being prideful. I had fear I would look like a flake to everyone that reads my blog. But tonight, I hope you don't see me that way, but instead see a mother that is struggling with her fears and flesh and trying to emerge victorious one day!

Now, pardon me while I stand here and wait for my God to show Himself MIGHTY!!