Wrestling, not resting

I got "schooled"-- by my Heavenly Father. I layed in bed last night and pouted and complained about the unfairness of this and when I was done, I realized that I should be ashamed of myself. Things are not going like I had planned, but they are going like HE planned. He did a miracle for us while I was in Guatemala and when He did it, He knew the day she would be coming home. Us being released on that Monday was all part of His plan for our adoption from the beginning of time. It did not happen by chance because I was there. He did not do it on a whim, but by divine design. Just as He orchestrated that, He has a divine time for her to come home. That day has been established from the beginning of time and there is nothing I can do to change it and make it happen on my timetable. If she is not home by her first birthday, then she was not ever meant to be home by then (thanks, Kristin!). And if that if His way of doing this, then it is the perfect way. Wow-- that was a hard pill to swallow.

I believe that this adoption of Bella was God's perfect plan for me and my family. He began to plant the seed of desire for adoption in me at a very young age. It was something the I have always said I would do when "I grew up". We actually tried to start this 3 years ago and God shut the door. Thankfully, I was not so hard headed that I did not realize the timing was wrong-- we would have missed out on Bella! I guess what I am trying to say is that I have come to realize that this was not my idea. It was His; therefore, it is by His doing that she will come home. Not mine. Just like He knew when to begin to line all things up for this to start, He knows how to line all things up for this to end. My job is not to aid in that, but to REST in that. I have NOT been resting. Well, I take that back. I did rest for the past 2 weeks, while I thought things were going the way I wanted them to unfold. That is not true resting. I was finally sleeping and enjoying life around me. The minute I found out it may not happen on my timeline, I reverted back to my "miserable" mode. That, to me, is wrestling.

So, today, things are still very uncertain and I am okay with that. It may still work out. Who am I to limit God because of how things look in my many timeline scenarios? But, He may have a different plan. We may miss her first birthday and we may have to renew fingerprints and we may be subjected to the wait of the new DNA test. But guess what? That is no surprise to HIM. He knew it all along. I am just the one that took so long.

You see, I have been on a journey for the past 7 years to learn to truly trust Him. I have been a Christian since I was 12 years old, but I have always wanted to control my circumstances. I am a planner and planners must feel in control of the events in their lives. As a Christian, I cannot operate that way. I know He is using this in my live to teach me this. We feel called to the mission field to work with orphans in some capacity. I cannot do this, if I am always trying to have control. He loves me so much and wants me to fulfill His plan for my life. It's like with my son. I want him to happy, but more than that, I want him to learn to be the man of God he is supposed to be. Because of that being my greatest desire, I have had to watch him be hurt by our discipline, even when he doesn't understand it. Well, that is what God is doing. Trying to teach me what trusting Him truly is. Each setback we get, brings me one step closer. I am not naive enough to think that I will learn it toatlly by the time she gets home, but I do belive that I have made GREAT strides in this area this past year of our adoption.

For now, I will continue to pray for our miracle and rest in the assurance that He is STILL at work to bring her to our family. He never stopped. I just stopped looking at Him and began looking at the flood waters that were rising around me. Didn't He promise to be there when the flood waters tried to overtake us? :)