Happy 8 months old, my Bellaboo!

Bella,

You are getting to be such a big baby girl-- already 8 months old. We thought for sure you would be home with us, but it has not worked out that way. Our Heavenly Father chose for you to be a part of our family and He knows the EXACT day you are to arrive. We have missed many firsts along the way, but He gave us two of the most important ones. Daddy and I got to be there when you turned one month old and were so sick. I was there to take care of you during your first fever and you and I bonded at a very specific moment on that trip. God allowed our eyes to meet and in that early morning moment,He let us both know that our hearts were FOREVER linked. I am so thankful for that first! We know that He is preparing our home for you and your heart for us. Not a day or moment goes by that Mommy and Daddy don't think about you and pray for you. You are a very loved baby girl! Lots of people are eagerly awaiting your arrival. We are praying that you will not celebrate many more "birthdays" without us. Hang in there, Bella, Mommy, Daddy and your big brother, Jake, will be there soon. Your room is finished and I know you are going to LOVE it-- it is very girly! :) You are an answer to MANY years of prayer. What God begins, He always finishes. Your homecoming will be a testimony to His faithfulness in the lives of His children. See you soon!!

Love,

Mommy

The Seed

I have spoken to many of you this week and you all know that I have been struggling. I mean REALLY struggling. In fact, I don't think that I have been this negative and broken throughout this entire process. I have made many giant strides in the past couple of months, but with the strides I make, I end up further back because I continue to keep my eye on the circumstances surrounding me. Now let me tell you that the circumstances surrounding me do not look good! Let me begin by laying a little foundation.

I spoke to my friend today and told her "I can't go on like this. I cannot do this anymore. Why is this happening? Why can't I seem to catch a break? This isn't fair." Now, all of this has some truth to it. But there is bigger truth I need to see and understand. This is where my husband comes in.

I broke down tonight and told my husband that I was really scared that she will not be home in time for me to go pick her up before I start school in the fall. He responded with this analogy that is so simple and that I have heard my entire Christian walk. But for some reason, it took on a whole new meaning for me this time. Faith begins as a small seed (the Bible says a mustard seed) and like any seed, in order for it to grow bigger and produce something, it must begin to take root. Everytime I get that boost of faith from God in the form of a verse of scripture to stand on, a dream that He speaks to me in, a love note from Him, etc., I hold onto it and get so excited. I put my burden at His feet and go on my way. But within 12 -24 hours, when my circumstances have not changed, I pick it up, inspect it and then rip it out to wallow in it. I am not giving it the time and attention it needs to root and grow. This is and always has been a BIG fault of mine. He told me that,lately, he never knows where I "stand" because he can't "find"me-- I am usually flying off the handle somewhere listening to the lies of the enemy.

Well, tonight, we have decided that TOGETHER we are going to declare that we are planting ourselves on the promise of God that states that He WILL finish that which He has started. There is NO doubt in my mind that He started this adoption!!! Therefore, He HAS to complete it. The key word here is not complete. It is HE. That's right. HE, not I, not my attorney-- but HE will finish it according to HIS plan and my part is to be okay with it. That is where my struggle is. It's in being okay with WHATEVER He sees fit for my life. I am going to get there- with His help. So, if any of you want to know where I am in this process, I am standing here and not budging until my God brings me through to the other side!

My mom has tried over and over to tell me this and I fail to listen. Believe it or not, Mom, I have been listening and God has used you to soften my heart. I may not admit it to you then, but you have been a help to me. I hang up the phone and ponder your words (even when I don't want to). I am so blessed to have my family and friends that support and encourage me even when I can be so obstinate. Thank you!

So, once again, I have had another breakthrough. I am hoping these many breakthroughs will lead me to becoming the woman of faith that my Father desires me to be. I started not to post this, but realized that was being prideful. I had fear I would look like a flake to everyone that reads my blog. But tonight, I hope you don't see me that way, but instead see a mother that is struggling with her fears and flesh and trying to emerge victorious one day!

Now, pardon me while I stand here and wait for my God to show Himself MIGHTY!!

Update on Brett

I just got an update from my coordinator concerning her son, Brett. They have scheduled surgery tomorrow morning at 7:00. They will remove a tumor the size of a baseball from his brain. They have done every test in the book and are still unsure of what it is exactly. Nevertheless, they do know that it has to come out. Please remember to lift them up as they are believing God that he will emerge from this WHOLE. I will update you as I get information. She said to express her appreciation for the prayers you are bringing before the Lord. Thank you!

Prayer Request

I need to tell you about a boy named Brett. He is my adoption coordinator's son. He just turned 7 years old yesterday. He had an MRI done Friday and they found a large tumor in the back of his brain. They are at Children's Hospital in New Orleans and the doctors plan to do surgery to remove it. I am not sure of the specifics. Jeff talked with her this afternoon after we received the prayer request by e-mail and she did not know any specifics yet. Please tell everyone you know about this need. Add him and his family to every prayer list and chain you can. Brett needs a miracle and God is a God of miracles!!! I will keep you updated as I get new information. Thank you.

Infant Seat or Car seat?-- that is the question

Nothing makes you feel better when you are missing your baby, than to SHOP for her!! All I can say is she better be home by the time she is 22 pounds! I have a closet full of clothes that she needs to wear (soon). I also bought a car seat saver to protect my seat. Which leads me to my real reason for posting...

Those of you that brought home babies that were 8-12 months old: Did you put them in an infant seat or a regular care seat? I am debating. Jake was a big boy and I remember he got out of his infant seat well before he was a year old. However, Bella only weighs 15 pounds and I am hoping she will not weigh much more when we get her home. She seems to be gaining a pound a month. Since she has never been in a car seat or restrained, for that matter, I was wondering if the infant seat would give her more security. So, if you would leave me your suggestions and opinions on this matter, I would greatly appreciate them. :)

No news! Every time the phone rings, I jump and my chest gets tight and my heart beats faster and then I look at the caller id. BIG letdown! I know those of you calling me are probably insulted when you hear my voice and hear the disappointment oozing from me. Don't take offense. At this time in my life, I get upset when it is my husband calling. (LOL, Jeff!:)) At times the silence is deafening and feel like I am going to EXPLODE!!

Tuesday of next week marks exactly 2 weeks since we were submitted to the FC judge for a ruling. We are "supposed" to hear something in those 2 weeks. I am still optimistic that I could get the call this afternoon or evening.

I am going to sign off and try to stay on a positive note. I could blog forever on my thoughts, but I am trying to get those under control. Have a good weekend and I will post if I get news!!


Oh-- A shout out to Liza. She is coming home soon! Congrats to Ashley and her family. Celebrate BIG this weekend, girl!

Waiting

I want to share a poem with you that really touched me tonight. One of my blogging buddies posted it. I was waiting for permission from her to "steal" it. She has given the go-ahead. It will really shed new light on what we are dealing with these days.


Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."