Four weeks ago today we were finally released by a jugde after spending 11 weeks in FC. I still have no idea where we are in the final process and quite frankly I am hurting more than I ever have in this process. I am thankful for the support, prayers and encouragement I have received thus far. However, I have finally come to a place where I have to step back. I know many of you don't understand since we seem so close to the end and should have her home soon. One thing I have learned through all this, is that I should not expect anything as far as WHEN she will be home. My daughter will be 11 months old on the 20th and as far as I know we don't even have a BC.
I just wanted to let all of you know that I am sorry, but I am not reading blogs anymore. It just hurts too much to see babies home and I have no idea when mine will be. I know that sounds selfish or that I am jealous. I am not. I am glad to see that it does happen. It just hurts entirely too much. I don't like who I am. Everyday things are hard to enjoy. The daughter I have prayed for for 7 years is in an orphange in another country and I am missing every day of her life. Please continue to pray Bella home and if she happens to get here by Guatoberfest, then I will see you all there. I pray that happens. I know they say God's timing is perfect, I am just struggling to accept that these days.
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37 comments:
I don't think anyone would NOT understand why this is hard for you. Our process took 1 year to the day we accepted Zoe's referral. It was SO HARD! Hard doesn't even cut it. It was torture. I had such a struggle. In the end I had to get off all the forums and limit my blog checking to keep my sanity. It got too hard. You hang in there. Now I am nine months out and we are all so happy. I can even be grateful for the amazing lessons I learned during that time AND we are starting another adoption.At the time I wanted to crawl under a rock and never adopt again. Well... I was petrified to do it again. I am praying for you. You do what you need to do. I recommend Psalms and the book When God Doesn't Make Sense by Dobson. Hugs to you. Angel
Love you...
Kristin
Hang in there..I will pray for you. Stay strong. It will happen. God Bless you and Keep your chin up.
Courtney
That's understandable Amanda. Take the time you need to heal your heart and you'll be even more joyful when all your hard work and prayers are realized. There is a verse in a song by Babby Mason called "Standing in the Gap" Basically it says:
Right now you may be troubled but everything will work out fine for the Spirit knows before you speak what is on your heart and mind. So I'll be interceding til your standing strong again. The peace that passes understanding is going to be yours, but until then . .
I'll be standing in the gap for you. Just remember someone somewhere is praying for you. Calling out your name, praying for your strength. I'll be standing in the gap for you!
Take the break that you need. We're standing in the gap for you dear friend.
Amanda~
I completely understand where you are coming from. I have "quit" blogs time and time again. I'm so very sorry that this is still dragging on for you and Bella. There are no words to ease your pain and agony. Unfortunately, we're in the same boat. We've been out of PGN for 5 weeks and still no date when we can bring our son home and this whole 2nd DNA test just put me over the edge! It is soooo frustrating to be so close, yet feel so far away. I continue to pray for you guys. If you need to vent or chat or cry or whatever, feel free to call me or email me. I think you have my phone number, but if not - email me.
I sure hope we will both be at Guatoberfest with our little ones finally in our arms!
All the best to you, Jeff, Jake and of course sweet sweet Bella!
Caryn
Caryn
Amanda, I am speechless. I know there is nothing I can say to make this wretched and unbearable pain go away for you. It's so hard to understand. I am praying so deeply that Bella is home very, very soon!! I will be watching for those words..."Bella is coming home..."
Lord, please hold Amanda SO TIGHT in your arms! Father you know and feel the pain that she is feeling. Take it all away!!! Please God! Bring Bella home!!
Love ya!
Stacie
I can understand your need to back away for awhile. I just want you to know that I will continue to pray for you and your Bella and will continue to check for the long awaited post saying that she is finally coming home.
Amanda,
When I read your update tonight I immediately thought back to my High School Graduation night. Our 1966 Senior Class Song was "You Will Never Walk Alone" . . . the lyrics are:
Along life's road there will be sunshine and rain roses and thorns, laughter and pain.
And 'cross the miles You will face mountains so steep deserts so long and valleys so deep.
Sometimes the Journey's gentle
Sometimes the cold winds blow
But I want you to remember I want you to know, You will never walk alone.
As long as you have faith Jesus will be right beside you all the way, And you may feel you're far from home,
But home is where He is, and He'll be there down every road.
You will never walk alone never, no never.
The path will wind and you will find wonders and fears labors of love and a few falling tears.
Across the years there will be some twists and turns, mistakes to make and lessons to learn.
Sometimes the journey's gentle, Sometimes the cold winds blow.
But I want you to remember wherever you may go, Jesus knows your joy, Jesus knows your need
He will go the distance with you faithfully.
DAD
I don't think I could say anything better than your Dad already did. Wow- so amazing.
I too had to quit reading blogs. It just got too painful and made me question my faith, and the strength I had. Believe me, watching babies who got out WEEKS after us going home, and we didn't even have the final sign-off made me ache like I have never ached before. I had to step back, and give it all to God. He will give you all the strength you need. Lean on Him with all your might, and He will not bend!
I will pray for you and your family, and pray that the doors swing wide open and bring your little girl HOME!!
Oh honey, you need to do whatever helps you get through the day!!! I'm crossing my fingers and toes that you will hear you have GCBC this wk. I'm sending you lots of love!
I do not think that you sound selfish or jealous---when I did not have JP home, I only read the blogs of the families who did not have their babies yet.
You have to do what you have to do! I will always think and pray for you and Bella!
Amanda--I physically hurt for you and for your sweet family. I honestly cannot imagine waiting seven years for another child...I think my heart would break in two. I am praying for you, praying for Bella's homecoming, praying for the Lord to fill you with strength...for when we are weak then He is made strong in us. I'm so sorry, Amanda. You are always on my heart and my mind and I will keep praying and believing for you.
Amanda,
I don't think there are any words to make you feel better. Just remember that there are so many people praying for you, Bella and the rest of your family through this difficult time.
I am no longer working since I'm leaving for Antigua in 48 hours so the email address you have for me is no longer active. Please email me at tbracey123@aol.com if you ever need any thing. And if you don't mind, would you please send me your address again...I forgot to copy it from my work comp.
Take care of yourself and by the time I get back from Guat, you should be home with Bella...or at least very, VERY close to that point and we'll be planning that first play date.
Hugs sweetie!
Terry
We all understand the pain. Do whatever you need to do to cope. We will all be here when you're ready and will be praying for you. Sometimes, when God is about to bless us abundantly, he breaks us first. I remember feeling broken and defeated. It's a horrible place to be.
Amanda,
I am praying that Bella can come home soon and that this pain will be taken away from you. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your family!! (((HUGS)))
Krystal
It hurts to read that you are struggling so! And yet, through all the painful waiting, you have left such Godly and encouraging comments and written such beautiful, God-honoring posts. It is totally understandable that you just need a break! Fill up with some good scripture (as if there was any not good) and find peace in the Lord, not what is happening with other families!
Amanda, I often keep up with you and your family through Cindy. When I saw your pain It hurt me to know one sweet girl is hurting so bad. I have no idea what you must be going through, I can't even begin to imagine. Keep hanging on girl, God will take you there. Take care and I will be praying for you.
Missy Hill
I am so sorry. I really feel your pain! I know how hard it is to see other people comign home and getting their paper work done faster. when in Guatemala I met so many people who were so much farther down the line than me and their babies were like 2 months old. I was very discouraged. Do you like to read? i am reading a book on heaven by Randy Alcorn. It is amazing. It has helped me see the bigger picture and has calmed me down because i see God and eternity in whole different way.
Hey, there -
Wow. When I read you last entry, I can tell you I understand EXACTLY how you feel. I feel so happy that kids are coming home - and so frustrated that both our Isabella's are spending day after day at La Primavera, instead of in their own beds! I go to visit her one week from tomorrow, and hope to have the same progress that you had when you last visited your Bella! I'm praying for both of us - and our girls.
Kari Kahl
Oh Amanda, I completly understand your pain, frustration & hurt. We are praying that the Lord give you strength and may the time for Bella to be placed in your arms forever be soon. Prayers & hugs to you during this difficult time.
Amanda, take all the time you need! I'm sure the last stretch is one of the hardest in this process. There's a little gift for you on its way...I hope it brightens your day.
Hugs,
SBP
I was so where you are know...Madisyn was in PGN for 5 1/2 months and I never thought it would end...I feel your pain
Please just hang in there and know I am here for you
By the way your dad's post brought tears to my eyes...What a sweet man
Amanda, you have been through so much with this adoption. Do not feel one bit guilty for not reading blogs. Just know that we are all thinking of you and praying for you daily. We want your Bella home...NOW. And soon you will be able to post pictures of her at HOME on your blog. Take care and please let us know if there is anything we can do for you. Love ya!
Amanda, I am about in tears tonight as I read this post. I am praying with you that your daughter may be home and that your family may live, in its entirety, together. A verse, that I read daily, is Jeremiah 29: 10-11. And it goes like this: "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." I hope that these words from the Bible may sustain you in your final steps in bringing your Princessa home forever from Guatemala.
Prayers forever,
Courtney
I am stopping to pray right now for Bella to come home soon! Sending you hugs and prayers!
Gretchen S.
Sweet Amanda,
I can't imagine what to tell you. I've been sitting here praying, just hoping for the right words...but they are non-existent right now. Because I think I've said them all before. All that I can do is try to encourage you, hang in there and know that there are plenty of people praying for you. She is coming home...just hang in a little while longer! Call me...let's get together soon!
Loves,
Holly
PS- what your Dad wrote...oh my goodness...it tore me up. How precious is that!
Praying hard for you. I know how you feel about seeing other babies coming home.
Amanda,
I am praying for you to have the grace and strength you need to face each day until Bella is home. Needing to take a break from blogs is entirely understandable. I am praying for you and your family every day.
Hang in there...We will be praying for you! Take the time you need, and we will all be praying for awesome news about Bella this week! It is time for her to come home and you to all be a family!
Amanda,
I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I pray SO hard that God eases your pain and brings Bella home REAL soon...We have to teach Bella Blackjack! :) I don't know what else to say except you and Bella are SO loved by SO many people and we are ALL praying for you.
Love-Dori
I am so sorry for the pain of the WAIT --- it really stinks !! I will pray for your adoption.
Oh girl I have been there and I was a total Hateful butt to everyone last year by the month of AUG....Oh girl I really hope and pray Miss Bella is home by OCT...he just has to be...we want to meet you and her so bad. Please call me if you ever need to talk...girl I have been there watching 4 month old babies come home while we just stood steal in the process...
Hey girl,
call me at home when you're feeling up to it. You know I'm thinking of you.
Jodie
PS- funny story to make you smile- I found a cute picture on my phone of Cameron & put it as my wallpaper, well, when he saw it the other day he said, "mom, why do you have a picture of Jake on your phone?" LOL, apparently he had taken a picture of Jake with my phone & I thought it was Cam! Show's how much I know my child!!
Oh Amanda, I am sending you hugs and prayers over the internet.
I have so been there, I am sure at some point we all have. This process stinks and you have been through the ringer so itmakes it that much harder.
Hang in there, it WILL happen and we will all be there to celebrate with you!
Our family is praying for you...hang in there and feel all of our support. Jill
Amanda-
My heart aches for you and what you are going through. I know that there isn't anything that we can say to make it better. I will continue to pray for you - and for sweet Bella. She needs to be with her family that is loving her and wanting her HOME. Your Dad sounds like an amazing man. Bless your family...
And yes... I can understand the need to step back. We have to preserve ourselves...protect our hearts.
Jennifer
Amanda - I want you to know that I love you and am praying for you. I am so sorry to hear your pain and I hurt for you. Please know that I am thinking of you and will continue to pray for God's peace and for good things to happen SOON!! Love you!
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