Perspective and back to where I belong....

I overheard my husband tell someone the other day, "I am ready for Bella to come home so that I can get my wife back." Those words have been ringing in my head ever since. I am so thankful for all you that read my blog, are concerned about Bella's adoption, and have prayed and encouraged me this far. Your words mean so much to me and my family.

I have been praying for the past couple of days about what God is doing and if He is requiring anything from me that I have not discovered yet. I think it was confirmed to me today. I am going to take a break from blogging and blogland. I have allowed myself to become obsessed with it along with checking my e-mail millions of times a day. (seriously, my send and receive button should be broken!) I have allowed this adoption to define me. It is not who I am. I am a daughter of my heavenly Father. He has a special plan for my life and the adoption of Bella into our family was His idea and part of His infinite plan for my life (as His daughter). He loves Bella more than I can fathom and He loves me that much, as well. With that said, things may look bleak for us in bringing her home any time soon; however, some of His greatest miracles happened at times that seemed like the end. (Lazarus being raised from the dead-- can't much more toward the end than that!)

Please continue to pray for us and her homecoming. Please continue to check here and watch for our miraculous news so you can rejoice with us. But for now, I am going to give my husband back his wife sooner, rather that later and rededicate myself to the Lord, to Jeff and to Jake. Later....

I miss her so much!!

I miss her so much is hurts some times. I have not held her since she was 5 months old. I will have to start a new school year and did not get a chance to see her this summer. I long to kiss her, smell her, touch her, hold her, feed her, dress her, bathe her -- LOVE her!!! If I would have known then what I know now, I would have rat holed EVERY penny I spent on foolish things this past year so I could have a visit trip with her this summer. That reality hit me this week. Because I will need as much time as possible with her when she gets home, I will not be able to visit this summer. It is just not in our budget and that hurts. At times, I feel like she is a stranger. I mean, I love her with all of my heart, but yet our last time with her seems like a very distant memory. Is this normal?

I miss her so much! It dawned on me this week that she will probably be a year old or older when we bring her home and that makes me so sad. We started this process in April of 2006. On Aug. 6, we will begin a new school year and that makes it 3 different school terms that have gone by and the baby girl we have waited so long for will not be home yet. I never in a million years thought this would have happened.

I went to talk to my boss today. I just had to find out if I was going to have a job. He was so understanding and told me he would work with me. That was a big relief. I know that it is all happening this way for a reason. I have to believe that-- some days are easier than others to do so and some are harder. Today was one of the ones that got harder as the day ended.

The reality that we are bringing home a child that will be entering the toddler stage and not an infant hit me this week, also. She has likes and dislikes that I am not aware of. Her personality is being formed by someone that I do not know. I know she is being taking care of in the hogar, but it is not by me and that hurts. We never learned Spanish because we were supposed to bring home a baby and it would not be an issue. I know she is still young and will pick up English quickly, but my concern lies in the first time she is put into my arms for forever. I want to be able to comfort her so that she understands it will be okay. I guess that is where my trust in my Heavenly Father will come into play. I will need Him to fill in the gap, by His Spirit, for my baby girl.

This has been (and probably will continue to be), a roller coaster ride of emotions. In a way this event has been tragic for my family. We have run the gamut of emotions: fear, anger, anxiety, happiness, disappointment, just to name a few. I guess, even though I have come to accept this reality of ours, tonight I am just mourning what could have been and what I want. I know that tomorrow is a new day and with it brings a new opportunity for movement in our situation. So, I will cling to that and try to find my rest in Him.

A mini-vacation and a BIG lesson

My husband and I decided to take Jake on a min-vacation at the beginning of June. Now, many who know me, know that I canNOT keep a secret. So, when Jeff told me not to tell Jake about this because he wanted to surprise him, I had a hard time. I almost slipped up several times.

The Saturday before we left, we had an end-of-the-season swimming party for Jake's baseball team. On the way there, Jake began to ask if he could either have a friend spend the night or go to a friend's house that night. (Now, remember, he did not know that our plans were to wake him up early the next morning and drive to Gulf Shores for a few days.) Knowing what we knew, we told him no. He got upset and said he did not understand why-- it was a weekend and we did not have anything else to do. It really hurt him that we were keeping him from having "fun" for no apparent reason. It broke my heart to watch him be so upset.

Now, because I cannot keep a secret, I talked Jeff into telling him later on. My OCD self could not see how I was going to manage to pack an entire family for 4 days at the beach without him seeing or figuring it out. Jeff, being the sweet husband that he is, gave in and we "surprised" him early. ;)

We had a BLAST and ended up staying an extra night because Jake's daddy is a pushover and could not resist his cute son begging to stay an extra night. He even cancelled some of his appointments to do so. (Thanks, Jeff!)

The point of this little story (and I do have a point in telling it) is not to bore you with the details of our travels, it is to share with you an important lesson my Heavenly Father taught me. Throughout this entire process, I had it all figured out-- I just KNEW Bella was going to be home at the beginning of the summer and I would have all summer with my baby girl and all would be well. I mean, after all, it made since that He would do it that way. Right? ..... WRONG! Up until this month, I had been kicking and screaming the whole way because I knew the BEST way for it to unfold.

On this mini trip I was struggling BIG TIME with being angry with Him. I did not understand why He would not give it to me this way. I asked repeatedly the "whys" and the "hows" and recited the "it's not fairs" of it all. I got down right sinful about it. (I am not proud of that either.) On the last day, as Jeff and Jake were packing the car to leave, I was sitting down watching them and I heard Jake tell his daddy "Daddy, thank you for taking me to the beach-- it was the BEST!" At that moment, I felt that still, small voice begin to speak to my heart. He began that day and has burned this lesson in my heart each day since.

This is what I learned: This adoption process is like our planned family mini trip and just like Jake had plans of his own for the weekend, so did I. When it did not work like Jake wanted it, he got upset with us. He cried and said some ugly things and while it hurt our heart (and we dealt with it appropriately), we understood where he was coming from. Our explanation of "it just isn't a good time" did not make sense to him. We knew that what we had planned was going to be far more exciting and fun and perfect for him than what he wanted. That is what my Heavenly Father spoke to my heart in that parking lot in Gulf Shores and speaks to me daily, when I get weak. He told me that it hurt His heart to watch us struggle with the whys and cry and hurt. Jake saw only the momentary satisfaction of that one day, but we saw the BIG picture of the entire week. We knew our plans for him were the best and that at the end of it all, he would recognize it, as well. God's plans to bring Bella into our family are far more greater and exciting than I could ever map out. He sees the BIG picture, while we see this little speck.

While, it is getting harder to endure this extremely hard place we are in with our adoption, He is making preparations for her to enter our family in a way that will far surpass our understanding and comprehension! While it may seem silly or elementary to all of you, that was so big to me. Even when I was "throwing" my fit, He loved me enough and cared for me enough to share some of the picture with me and it is this revelation that I find myself clinging to each day.

We had the privilege of meeting Kristin and Greg in person this past Friday. Kristin and I met through blogging and have become best friends over night! They decided to drive 7 1/2 hours to come to visit and pray with us. Our daughters are 7 days apart and very strangely resemble each other. We thought it would be neat to meet together and pray for our girls to be released and come home soon. We literally talked for 13 hours before finally going to bed at 4:30 in the morning.

Her husband, Greg, and mine, Jeff, had never spoken a word to each other until they entered our house. It is amazing what each has in common and how much their personalities and sense of humor are alike. I cannot do this situation the justice it deserves, so please visit her blog, where she so adequately describes it.

I have said it before in past posts, and I will say it again. Our adopting Bella was so much bigger than bringing a baby into our family. We believe it is the start of the ministry God is calling our family to do. We are beginning to get a "glimpse" into what that may be. This weekend showed us just that.

Please continue to pray for Bella and Madalyn to be released very soon. We specifically need God's favor to fall on the right people.

Tomorrow I will post a MAJOR revelation God has given to me. IT IS GOOD~

Blogging Guatemamas!!

Today, Jake and I had the privilege of meeting a fellow blogging momma-- Jodie . Check out her blog: http://flyhomeladybug.blogspot.com/ and see her beautiful baby girl, Corryn. We discovered last week that we live in the same city! How neat is that?! Her boys are so much fun and quite handsome, too! Jake made 2 really great friends today. In fact, they seemed like they had known each other for years! Jodie is great, too!! It felt like we, too, have been friends for years. I CANNOT wait to bring our babies home to Louisiana. Corryn and Bella will be the cutest little cheerleaders around! Jodie- as soon as I get released from FC hell, I am going to buy Bella a LSU dress like Corryn's. Hope you don't mind. ;)

We went shopping. She bought some REALLY cute outfits for Corryn. I did not buy anything because I still have not heard that our case was cleared with the FC judge. I can't stand to buy another piece of clothing that she may not be able to wear! :( We ate lunch at Chili's and were entertained by our crew of boys.

This has been a very frustrating process, but I am so thankful that I have met some really great women along the way-- women that will be friends of mine for many years to come. :)

But the fun doesn't stop there... check out my blog tomorrow to see WHO else is coming to visit this weekend!! I CANNOT WAIT....

"Happy 9 month birthday, Baby Girl!!! We miss you sooo much and wish we could have celebrated this special day with you. "

Love you bunches,
Mommy, Daddy, and Jake

Counting My Blessings

Today I want to celebrate my beautiful children!

Jake is 7 years old and the light of my life! He truly is my little miracle from the Lord. He is such a cool kid. He loves sports more than any child I know. He can talk about football and baseball-- quote player's stats and remember plays as well as any grown man. More than anything else, though, he has such a sweet spirit and a tender heart. I know that God has BIG plans for his life and I love watching him begin to fulfill them! I love you, Jake-a-doo!

Bella will be 9 months old tomorrow. My, how she is growing! Instead of dwelling on the things I have missed, I am choosing to look forward to the multitude of things I am going to experience with her. We prayed a LONG time for this miracle, and the Lord blessed us abundantly. She may not be here in Louisiana with us right now, but she is always in our heart and we KNOW that God is bringing her to us SOON-- He's just lining everything up perfectly right now! She has a sweet spirit, also. I know she has a special call on her life and I am blessed to have been chosen to help her find it-- with the Lord's help and wisdom. I love you, Bellaboo!

I love my children! "Thank you, God, for placing them into our family. Help Jeff and I to lead them to you."

Expecting...

Please pray that the FC judge release our file THIS week!!!!!! I am EXPECTING God to answer our prayers. He has already begun to work out the details. Everything is beginning to line up. On Monday, I received a call from a good friend of mine that I have not spoken to since our visit trip in Feb. She wanted to know if Bella was home yet. I told her what was going on and she asked me what I was going to do for childcare. I did not go into detail, but just said that we were still working out the details of that. She told me she had been keeping her grandson and he would be starting preschool in Aug. She then said "Why don't you let me keep Bella?" I asked her if she was serious and she told me that she had been praying and wondering what she was going to do now that he would not be with her all day. The best part is that she is going to do it free of charge!!! I told her I wanted to pay her and she would not hear of it. BIG ANSWER TO PRAYER!!!!!

Then, I called my principal Thursday to tell him what was going on and that our plans to get Bella in June were not going to happen. I explained the various scenarios we were looking at and asked him about my options. If we get released this week, we would be looking at a mid to end of July pick up. I figured I would lay everything I wanted on the table and leave some room for negotiating. I told him I wanted to only go in the month of August to do my instruction, which at the kindergarten level is only 3 hours or so, and then let my aide take care of lunch, recess, nap time and centers. Then, I would come back full time after Labor Day. I explained how important it was for me to be the one taking care of Bella, instead of her being passed from caregiver to caregiver. Since she has been in the hogar from one day old and had numerous care givers, she needs to bond with me in the beginning. He understood and agreed. He said he had no problems with that plan. This would be perfect because I would get a few weeks with her at home (all day) and then my husband gets 4 weeks paternity leave and would be able to be home with her in the mornings while I am teaching. The best part is that, if this could happen, I would get my full salary and not have to worry about taking off without pay.


I TRULY believe the Lord is lining everything up because good news is coming this week! Please storm the gates of Heaven with us and believe God for good news.

"Father, I thank you for beginning to work out the details of Bella's homecoming. I ask for favor with the judge. I ask that our file would stand out to him on his desk and , although, he may not understand why, that he would have an urgency to release it. I thank you, in advance, for moving on his heart and getting our Bella out of there and home where she belongs. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen."

One way or another, with HIS help, I WILL "get it"

You know how you have ups and downs during this process? Well, I do! I was struggling tonight-- I think because it was Friday-- no possible news for 2 days. I was reading one of my favorite blogs (dawnz-- A Life Outside the Box) and she had a quote from Oswald Chambers that really spoke to me.

"Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time."

I am not understanding His ways at all. I truly don't get why I am missing a summer (I am a teacher) of not being able to be with my child. I was feeling sorry for myself and getting angry when I stumbled on this quote. Now, my mom tried to talk to me tonight and I did not want to hear it. I really appreciate her and should listen more often, but there are just times in this process that I don't want to hear it and tonight was one of them! I guess God wanted me to get this concept, because He put it in my face in a way that I did not have to "hear" it- I had to read it! :)

I am amazed at my God. One thing I am learning during this process, is that His grace is AMAZING!! No matter how many times I start to falter, or fuss, or cry , or complain, He always seems to send me something to remind me that He is in control and loves me enough to show me-- even when it takes MANY times of showing, in different ways!

I may not "get" the timing of Bella coming home, but I am starting to "get" that is not what He cares about-- my getting it. He cares about my trusting Him and I must say I still have a long way to go! He cares about the character He is building in me. (And at times, I must say, I doubt if it is any at all.) I do see growth and I am finding that the times I begin to struggle, it is because I am not staying in His Word, but looking to other means for encouragement, such as what the forums are saying, what agencies are saying and what attorneys are saying. I need to stay focused on what God's Word says (thanks Mom- I am listening) and that and that alone WILL get me through this excruciating waiting period.

So, I want to leave you with this amazing quote again:

"Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time."

Check out dawnz blog. She has a really good post from Thursday.
http://prayingthemhome.blogspot.com/


Oh, thanks to all of you for responding to my call for adding you to my blog roll. I am going to work on that this weekend. And I will have a new look thanks to my friend Kristin (Kristin and Greg and Madalyn that will be on my blog roll). She made me this INCREDIBLE blog header and will be giving my blog a make-over. She did Natalie's this week and hers looks great! Kristin is very talented. I am thankful that God has brought her into my life! We have become fast friends and our husbands have somethings in common. (HE! HE!, Kristen) So, be checking-- things will change over sometime this week! Also, pray that her Madalyn and Natalie's Bella get released this week, along with my Bella. It is time for our girls to come home!!!!!

Have a great weekend! I plan to!

CALLING ALL LURKERS AND FAITHFUL COMMENTERS

Calling all lurkers.... and my faithful commenters... I am adding a blog roll and would LOVE to add all of you. If you are okay with me listing your blog for others to read, please either e-mail me or post a comment with your blog address.

I also want to thank everyone for their support, encouragement and prayers over the past few days. It amazes me how many people out there care about us. And to think I have felt so alone... If you have been lurking (and I know some of you have), please leave me a comment so that I can return the support and prayers. And to my faithful commenters, please know that I read your blogs daily and each time I stop by, I pray for each of your families.

Friday night was a rough one. After we got our disappointing news, I broke down. You know how they say sometimes you have to hit rock bottom, before you can get out of the pit? Well, Friday night was my rock bottom. I found myself on the floor of my closet crying. Well, when I came out, something was different. I have more peace and hope than I have ever had in this entire process. I think God used this disappointment to break me and I am glad for it. (Who would have thought I would ever say that and mean it?!) I can definitely feel the prayers that are going up for us. I am excited to see what God has in store for the end of this journey. I know it is going to be BIG!!!!

I pray you all have a good week and may it bring the news we all hope to hear!

HELP!!!!

We hit a MAJOR bump in our adoption today. I just got an e-mail from our agency coordinator and things are not looking good. This has been one roller coaster ride after another. I cannot post the details, but the news in the e-mail was disappointing-- we may not make a summer pick up and as you all know as a teacher, I I really needed that to happen. Also, Jeff goes this week to find out if he will need back surgery. He had it done last summer on the left side of his lower back and he may need it on the right side. Our finances are tapped out and daycare options are going to be limited since we are unsure of the timing of her coming home. Needless to say, I was very upset and disappointed!

I am asking everyone that feels led, to pray and fast with us this weekend. I heard a message on TV while we were at the beach this week and the preacher said this: "In order to get what you have never had, you must do what you have never done." Well, this weekend, I am getting into the Word of God and standing on His promises (thanks Mom) and storming Heaven's gates with a fervency I have never had before. We need extreme favor with a new judge and with our attorney. If you do not feel led to fast, please pray with us. If there was ever a time our family needed your prayers, it is now! Thank you in advance.

Don't Give Up! Keep Standing!

A friend of mine just sent this to me. She came across it in her devotional today. Her name is Holly and she and her family are in the process of adopting their daughter from El Salvador. After you read this, go check out her blog. She always has great insight on things and has been used by God to speak to me. Thanks, Holly!

It’s based on 2 Kings 4:8 and it’s entitled “Don’t Give Up!”
The Bible speaks of a “great woman” who lived in Shunem. God gave her a son when she couldn’t have one. Then suddenly in his twenties he dies. So she picks him up, puts him on a horse and carries him back to Elisha, whom God has used to announce his birth in the first place. Imagine what her neighbors must have thought as she passed by. “It’s over, bury him!” But not her. She refused to stop and get the opinions of faithless people, or discuss her situation with those who were unqualified to help. Be careful who you open up to in a crisis! Make sure they know God and that their words line up with His. The warranty hasn’t expired on the promises God gave you. This woman believed that if God started it, He could finish it. If He made it, He could fix it.
And how does her story end? Elisha stretched his body out on top of the dead boy’s body and his corpse gets warm. Now that’s good, but this lad needs more than just warmth- he needs new life. So Elisha stretches out on top of him again. This time the boy sneezes 7 times and comes to life. What’s the lesson here for you? No matter how bad things look- stay on top of the situation! Keep believing in God! Walk the floor and pray all night if you have to, but don’t give up. Keep standing on the Word. Your dream may not be fully alive yet, but it’s getting warm. Things are improving. God is moving. Your answer is on the way- don’t give up until it arrives!

I will leave you with another verse she and her husband reminded me of:

Philippians 1:6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

For all of us waiting for our babies and even for those of you that are waiting for something else to come about in your lives, this is a verse we should cling to daily. I still have no news, but I will take God at His word that He will do this for our family. Will you?

A Call to Prayer

Okay, we are being told that our attorney is supposed to go see the judge to find out why our case has not been released with the other 8 that were originally submitted to him. Ours is just sitting there. I REALLY need your prayers today. Please pray that our attorney truly does this and that we would have favor with the judge. My summer time to bond with Bella is slipping away with each day that nothing happens. I am calling on each of you to pray and believe with us that Bella would be released this week . Our adoption coordinator says that there is NO reason that we have not been released, just that the judge has not done it yet. Today marks 9 weeks since we found out we had been kicked out of PGN on March 30. Before that we were in PGN Feb. 12 and kicked out at the end of Feb. for no PA. We went back to PGN March 8. We were told going to FC for a ruling would only take 1-2 weeks. NOT!!!!!! I watched all of the other cases that were submitted to the judge get out between Monday and Wednesday last week and then when mine was set to come, he just stopped! You can imagine the torment we are experiencing right now.

Please pray with us and storm Heaven's gates this week for Bella to be released! We thank you in advance for your prayers!

Hope...again

To those of you that are wondering where my post from yesterday is, I had a really hard day yesterday and I deleted it. I had typed a piece about hope and after I posted, I went downhill. I did not want to post something that I could not believe at the time. I have spent time in prayer and reading my Bible and God renewed me. I feel like the fire has been turned up and the refiner is watching to see what I am made of. Yesterday, I waivered and today, I can say, my hope is renewed.

I still have no idea when the judge will release my case. I keep asking "why" are all the others out and not mine. I have believed and prayed just as hard. The only thing I can "hear" is that He is interested in me and how I will choose to handle the situation. Like it or not-- it is this way. I am going to stay in His word this week and whatever He has in store, I will accept. I hope to get good news, but there is no guarantee. I will place my hope in Him.

We went to visit my father-in-law in the hospital last night and they had a scripture on the door of the room next to him. It was about God being my strength. I had just told Jeff how tired I was of all of this and I did not know what to do. Well... there was my answer. God is my refuge and strength and His joy will get me through this difficult time. Please continue to pray for Bella to be released, but most of all, pray for me to keep my focus where it needs to be-- ON HIM!