A mini-vacation and a BIG lesson

My husband and I decided to take Jake on a min-vacation at the beginning of June. Now, many who know me, know that I canNOT keep a secret. So, when Jeff told me not to tell Jake about this because he wanted to surprise him, I had a hard time. I almost slipped up several times.

The Saturday before we left, we had an end-of-the-season swimming party for Jake's baseball team. On the way there, Jake began to ask if he could either have a friend spend the night or go to a friend's house that night. (Now, remember, he did not know that our plans were to wake him up early the next morning and drive to Gulf Shores for a few days.) Knowing what we knew, we told him no. He got upset and said he did not understand why-- it was a weekend and we did not have anything else to do. It really hurt him that we were keeping him from having "fun" for no apparent reason. It broke my heart to watch him be so upset.

Now, because I cannot keep a secret, I talked Jeff into telling him later on. My OCD self could not see how I was going to manage to pack an entire family for 4 days at the beach without him seeing or figuring it out. Jeff, being the sweet husband that he is, gave in and we "surprised" him early. ;)

We had a BLAST and ended up staying an extra night because Jake's daddy is a pushover and could not resist his cute son begging to stay an extra night. He even cancelled some of his appointments to do so. (Thanks, Jeff!)

The point of this little story (and I do have a point in telling it) is not to bore you with the details of our travels, it is to share with you an important lesson my Heavenly Father taught me. Throughout this entire process, I had it all figured out-- I just KNEW Bella was going to be home at the beginning of the summer and I would have all summer with my baby girl and all would be well. I mean, after all, it made since that He would do it that way. Right? ..... WRONG! Up until this month, I had been kicking and screaming the whole way because I knew the BEST way for it to unfold.

On this mini trip I was struggling BIG TIME with being angry with Him. I did not understand why He would not give it to me this way. I asked repeatedly the "whys" and the "hows" and recited the "it's not fairs" of it all. I got down right sinful about it. (I am not proud of that either.) On the last day, as Jeff and Jake were packing the car to leave, I was sitting down watching them and I heard Jake tell his daddy "Daddy, thank you for taking me to the beach-- it was the BEST!" At that moment, I felt that still, small voice begin to speak to my heart. He began that day and has burned this lesson in my heart each day since.

This is what I learned: This adoption process is like our planned family mini trip and just like Jake had plans of his own for the weekend, so did I. When it did not work like Jake wanted it, he got upset with us. He cried and said some ugly things and while it hurt our heart (and we dealt with it appropriately), we understood where he was coming from. Our explanation of "it just isn't a good time" did not make sense to him. We knew that what we had planned was going to be far more exciting and fun and perfect for him than what he wanted. That is what my Heavenly Father spoke to my heart in that parking lot in Gulf Shores and speaks to me daily, when I get weak. He told me that it hurt His heart to watch us struggle with the whys and cry and hurt. Jake saw only the momentary satisfaction of that one day, but we saw the BIG picture of the entire week. We knew our plans for him were the best and that at the end of it all, he would recognize it, as well. God's plans to bring Bella into our family are far more greater and exciting than I could ever map out. He sees the BIG picture, while we see this little speck.

While, it is getting harder to endure this extremely hard place we are in with our adoption, He is making preparations for her to enter our family in a way that will far surpass our understanding and comprehension! While it may seem silly or elementary to all of you, that was so big to me. Even when I was "throwing" my fit, He loved me enough and cared for me enough to share some of the picture with me and it is this revelation that I find myself clinging to each day.